Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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