I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
