Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
