she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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