I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I supernannyed him into submission
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize