Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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