I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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