Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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