My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
