So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
