Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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