Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
