you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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