Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
we should paint friendship bongs
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