If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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