Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize