i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
