you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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