Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
