I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
