I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
