Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
