not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
