i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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