dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
