i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
