I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Less talking, more tequila
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
