Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
