I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I need moral support for this bender
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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