Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
