Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
