Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
