could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
