I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
