No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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