I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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