Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
