I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
this is an emotional support booty call
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
