WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
