This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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