I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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