just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
