Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
