I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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