i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
