Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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