So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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