True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
false alarm, still single
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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