I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
