Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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