Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
