I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish I only lived at night.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
