Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
