I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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