your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
